Thursday, March 29, 2012

Nice to Meet Me

I'm at the point in my life where people are starting to question why I am not married and what I am doing to get married. I even had a couple people tell me if I don't get married soon, people might start wondering what team I am playing for (not that there's anything wrong with playing for that other team).

It's pretty simple, though, why I am not married; I have issues. I think it's pretty common knowledge. Just go look at some previous posts from this blog. I am a major procrastinator, I have a ton of old man habits even though I'm not that old (I guess this depends on who I'm talking to. Anyone older than 28 thinks I'm a youngin'. Anyone younger than 21 thinks I should get myself a walker.), I think awkward situations are quite fun, I have a bunch of SIRs (Self Imposed Rules. Maybe that'll be another blog post someday... Or you can just ask Rob), I watch a lot of TV/movies, I get obsessed with things, I have some "interesting" dating theories, and my dating life is..... well, let's say I follow in my brother's footsteps and do the general conference dating schedule.

Even with all those, I'm sure that I'll end up married. There's a butt for every seat, right? Lot's of times people get down on themselves and say how bad they suck and that nobody likes them etc etc. Y'all know how it is. I am not one of those people, I know I'm awesome! I am one of the coolest people I know. HOWEVER, I must be allergic to dating. Or maybe my mutant power (yes, I'm a nerd. why hide it anymore?) is that I transform into somebody else. I think subconsciously the reason why I only go out on dates about every six months is that my alter ego comes out every time I start down the dating path. From getting the girls number to actually going on the date, I become Date Mike.

I don't know if you saw that episode, but Michael is totally hitting it off with a girl until he realizes it's a date. Then he turns into this guy that he calls "Date Mike" and everything falls apart. That is me, I just don't do it on purpose.

I like to think that I am a pretty friendly and sociable fellow. I have long talks with my friends. I've been told that I am pretty easy to get along with. My church calling forces me (and I think has helped me) to get along with all sorts of different people. I have a few friends and a few of that few are the lady folk type. I get along pretty easy with both sexes, but I seem to get along easier with the ladies. I'm not saying that I'm a ladies man, I'm not even close to that. I just think that 83% of my communication is flirting and that seems to go better with girls. Basically, what I am trying to say is, as far as I know, I'm not socially awkward when it comes to non-dating situations. But throw me into a dating situation and my conversations end up going something like this:

I fall apart into this awkward shy guy, I become way too polite (yes, there is such a thing), I start liking things I had no idea that I liked, I forget conversations that we had earlier over the phone, I talk about really odd and random subjects and I tell a bunch of inside jokes that only I get.

And now, for some real life Date Mike examples (the names have been changed to protect the innocent.... and I forgot some of them):

The Mall Girl
I once met this girl at the mall and talked with her for quite a bit. This was back in the day when it was.... I was going to say cool, but I just realized it was never really cool to go to the mall, I just had nothing better to do..... easier to go to the mall.  I got her number and a few days later I finally worked up the courage to ask her out (I can't remember how it went, but I'm sure it wasn't good), but she must have said yes because we ended up going out. We went to a Quick Wits show for our date (which is a pretty freakin awesome Improv Comedy show). Quick Wits shows have a little intermission break in the middle of their shows, and during intermission we both got up to stretch our legs, hit the bathroom, and get a drink. While we were out in the little foyer waiting to go back into the show, I saw some old friends from school. They came over and wanted to chat it up for a bit. So I said to my date, "This is Tyler and Amanda" and then I said to Tyler and Amanda, "This is my date....uhhh........(awkward silence)........." I had completely forgotten my dates name. It was no where. I looked at her, and nothing came to mind. She was a Jane Doe. Finally, my date leaned in and said to them, "Kate....." and then to all three of us, "My name is Kate." ...... That was my last date with Shannon.

When I was just off my mission I started going to the singles ward. I started going because my Stake President asked if I would go to that ward and because that's where the girls were. And how lucky was I that one of my first singles ward activities was a pool party! So I took my farmer tanned body over to the pool party and had a pretty good time. There was a certain girl there that caught my eye, she was pretty darn cute. She seemed pretty friendly too. And we actually hung out together most of the night! And by hanging out I meant I "happened" to play volleyball at the same time she did ( I was the kid that stood in back of the court quietly on the other team) and we also ate at the same time (of course, everyone else ate at that same time too). Eventually, after everyone had left and I had finally worked up the courage and the perfect line, I asked for her number by saying "Hey Claire, I'm a boy and you're a girl. Right? Right. So I was thinking I could maybe get your number." She was very kind and gave me her number, but she was good at avoiding any future awkward conversations by not answering my calls. Did I mention I was shirtless while I asked for her number?

Texting Obsession
I got a girl's number luckily and I was pretty excited that she said yes when I asked her out. Before we went out, this is how one of our text-versations went (as far as I can remember). My thoughts will be in parenthesis (and I understand that they might not make any sense, I was in Date Mike mode).

Me: (I need to figure out if she hates any kind of food) Hey Juliet! I have a question for you.
Juliet: Hey Mike! What's your question?
Me: Any food that you absolutely hate or any rare food allergies that I should be aware of (haha... I am so funny, rare food allergies. Clever Mike)
Juliet: Not really.... Why?
Me: I don't want to take you to a place with peanuts and have you keel over. That would make for a bad first date! (hahaha. Oh Mike, you should start a stage career. You are for sure cracking her up!..... Oh wait, you said peanut place. She might think you are going to Five Guys, you better let her know that you aren't going to a peanut place)
Me: Not that we are going to peanut place. (Good, now she knows. But wasn't that kind of pointless to tell her that.... Dang. It was)
Juliet: I guess fish, but if we went to a fish place I could just get something else.
Me: (Wait..... Is she allergic to fish? Or does she just not like fish?) Wait.... Are you allergic to fish? Or do you just not like fish? (Shoot coach! Now she thinks I'm obsessed with allergies)
Juliet: I do not have any allergies that I am aware of. I am allergy free. I just don't like fish.
Me: (Yup, she thinks I'm obsessed with allergies. Say something besides allergies) You never know with them allergies! (..... dang)

And that's just a few stories. I might leave a couple more in comments if I think of them, but that's a good start. Again, I'm not complaining. There has to be some girl that is not allergic to Date Mike. I'm sure I'll eventually find a butt.