Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Married People Are Weird

I've always known that married people are different from single people:

  • Married people like to do things together. All the married folk I know are constantly wanting to be together : Single people like their free time. I'm constantly looking for some "Mike" time.
  • Married people talk like they are Gollum using " us" and "we", when a normal person would say "I" or "me". Sometimes the other part of the "us" or "we" might not even be part of the conversation : Single people talk like a normal person should.
  • Married people like shopping at stores like Lowe's, Michael's, Bed Bath and Beyond, etc together : This may be normal for a single dude (Lowe's) or a single girl (Michael's, Bed Bath and Beyond), but there never should be any kind of cross-over. A single man would never step into a Bed Bath and Beyond if he didn't have to.
  • Married people have bedtimes again. And they're early : Single people are semi-wise adults and sleep when they feel the need
...... and many more.

But recently it seems that this fact, that singles and marrieds, are different has been more apparent in my life. One example just happened a few days ago.

I had been studying for a test for quite awhile one day (this studying may or may not have occurred whilst at work). I finally decided that I was ready (aka was sick of studying) to take the test. And so I headed up towards WSU's main campus to take the test.

At this point, I had recently discovered Wal-mart's little food corner that sells chicken of different varieties, potato wedges, and who knows what else. I had always known this existed, but I had no idea that it had such delicious General Tso chicken. And it's less than $2 for a little personal serving. Delicious and cheap. You can't beat that. So while I was driving to the main campus, I saw the Neighborhood Wal-mart coming up in the distance and instantly decided that I needed some brain food (this is actually a plot by Wal-mart to take over the world. Along with Microsoft and Google).

As I was walking out of Wal-mart, very happy with my neighborhood market delicacy, I bumped into an old friend. He was there with what appeared to be his wife and his child (I was assuming at this point because he was holding the kid in one arm and he had the girl's hand with the other). So I stopped, because that's what you do when you see someone you know (Although I think it should be socially acceptable to continue on walking. The person need not be offended. It's actually the polite thing to do. You don't want to waste the person's time with fake interest in what they are doing with their life. Think about it. The last time you bumped into an acquaintance, you probably talked about what they were doing with their life. Do you honestly remember anything they said?). Anyway....

I said hello. And he introduced me to his wife and kid (I wasn't assuming anymore. He said "This is my wife, _______ and this is my daughter, ______. ) And he asked what I was up to. I told him about the test I was about to take and how I was pretty close to finally graduating.

Then it was my turn to ask a question, I really didn't know what to ask. I had just met his wife and kid. That's enough. But there wasn't any way of just leaving without appearing rude, so I thought of the best single-guy Wal-mart question I could think of while outside of a Wal-mart. I asked, "What are you doing here?"....... He just stared at me for a bit and then slowly answered, "....Shopping....?" Or in other words, I was asking a pretty stupid question.

But, to all you marrieds, this question makes perfect sense to us single people. If you are married, try to remember back to your days of singleness. Why did you go to Wal-mart? For the most part, you'd only go with a purpose. You were going to buy a movie, or just browse through the movies. Or maybe there was a new video game that you wanted to buy. You needed toothpaste. You wanted that can of chili for queso. You wanted to pick up on the girl at the hair-salon. Again, you were going with a purpose.

My asking, "What are you doing here?" in singleness, was a perfectly legit question to ask. Any other single person would have understood what I was asking. But, alas, married and singles are different.

My question kind of killed the conversation. After looking back and forth at one another, I said, "Cool..... Well, see you later." And left. Hopefully it gave them a good Gary Poll story for later. It gave me one.

And by the way, I'm not dissing marrieds. I'm just saying we are different. Being a married is actually a goal of mine. I'm planning on finding a girl, having her ask me out, and eventually ask me to marry her. Is that too much to ask? And when I am married, I'll send a proxy into Bed Bath and Beyond.


  1. Michael, you are fantastic. Just sayin.

  2. haha! This post is fabulous!...and true. A girl I work with recently got married. Before she was married we'd talk and laugh and joke about life. But now...in just a couple of weeks...she's dull. I try to talk to her. But it doesn't work. It's not the same. She only talks about what she's making for dinner, and how she wants to be done with work at 6 because that's when her husband is home and it's hard to have him home an hour earlier. I don't understand this. I really don't.

  3. Mike, you blog! You need to blog more often! You're good at it!

    Personally, I love my single life (right now)! I think I'm still in self-discovery mode. The experience of being young and single helps you develop your independence, which helps you discover who you are and what you want in life -- and what you want in a partner. This is so essential and I think a lot of people skip that part. Marriage and love is, or at least should be about two independent people coming together because they enjoy each other's company. It's as simple as that!

    Once married I like to think that I'll have a social life outside of my marriage. And I would hope the same for my wife. I don't understand why some married couples become hermits. Does anybody know why that is?... Is it a Utah thing? Because my married East Coast friends go out and socialize with their friends quite often, and a lot of them are even Mormon. I see a lot of pictures on Facebook from them, but almost nothing from the married couples I know in Utah. Weird.

    Anyway, my two cents -- for what it's worth.

  4. Married people rock!!! Woohoo for married people!! Yay!!!! (I had to defend them because everybody else is attacking them)

  5. Bahaha!! Oh Mike this kills me! It's so true tho! Married people are weird...and I'm one of them! But if you asked me what I was doing at Walmart I'd know what to say no worries there...I'm not that far gone! :) Thanks for the laugh!

  6. Whatev.

    I do like that you have a blog though. And I do like you, so I don't know what you should take from this comment.

    Also, if I recall, you totally went to Michaels with us one night and you liked it.

  7. Good blinkin' stuff. I agree that we marrieds are pretty dang boring. :)

  8. Who lied to you and said married people don't want their personal time? That's crap - we just can't get it as often as we used to, which sucks (Don't tell Alice I said that - or Jordan).

  9. Dude. Can I just say that when you get married you realize how weird single people are? They're always spending money on somebody else's future spouse, they wear tight jeans and huge plastic glasses, they have "Ugly Sweater Parties" and they go to the Festival of Colors... married people just have a grip on what really matters, that's all.

    And while none of those things really apply to you, can you hurry up and cross over to the other side? Then we could all get together and have, like, a game night! That would be fun, right? right?

  10. Haha, great post man! I didn't know you were a writer/comedian. Anyway, agreed with most of what you said...